From: ISN (isn_editor_3@hotmail.com)
Date: Saturday, May 15, 1999 09:12 PM


THIS IS INTERSTELLAR NEWS FOR MAY 15, 2499



SPACE MARINE PATROL DESTROYS UNFORGIVEN PIRATE

CREONTI GALAXY: SPACE MARINE, SPACERS, destroyed the warship of high ranking UNFORGIVEN CARTEL member LEGOLAS after it responded to a distress call from a trader who was under attack. The unidentified merchant suffered heavy damage but was able to escape and place a distress call. SPACERS of the SPACE MARINES was able to respond and neutralize the threat to peaceful trading in the Creonti Free-Trade Zone. ISN remote photodrones were able to get one picture of LEGOLAS' ship as it was destroyed in a fierce battle. LEGOLAS escaped in an escape pod as did nearly 300 crewmembers. However it is estimated that nearly 600 perished on the UC warship as its warp core went critical a destroyed the ship.


PLANET DESTROYER WEAPON

FEDERAL RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT HQ, MANTON PRIME: Federal researchers confirmed that the ARMS RACE SUPERWEAPON has been stolen from Federal Weapons Test Center in Salzig. Several reports from alliance leaders suggest that the weapon has been used in several recent planetary attacks by "unknown" forces. Alliance leaders are working to counter the threat. In a surprising move, Federal Authorities have decided not to act with alliance leaders to secure its return, leading some to believe that the Federal Government is behind its loss and in turn the recent planet attacks. Many have suspected that the Federal Government has been secretly aiding certain alliances to weed out certain "undesirables" from the Space Merchant ranks.


MULTI-ALLIANCE FORCES RECLAIM PLANETS IN SIXPENCE



SIXPENCE: Several alliances participated in 2 days of heavy military operations in Sixpence liberating planets from the UNFORGIVEN CARTEL. The INTERSTELLAR LIBERATION NAVY consisting of members from several alliances also repatriated several lost systems in outlying galaxies. "We will bring the criminals [UC] to justice", stated one unnamed ILN leader.


SHIP DESTROYED IN SKIP DRIVE ACCIDENT

IK-THORNE: IK-Thorne authorities confirm that a unidentified starship was destroyed as it attempted to Skip Drive through heavily fortified sectors in Sixpence. The Federal Transportation Authority again issued warnings to space travelers of the unstable and unreliable Skip Drive technology being used. While Skip Drive technology is not specifically prohibited by the Federal government, lawmakers are currently considering legislation to outlaw the dangerous technology.


THIS WEEK IN HISTORY

May 15, 1999


DONNIE AND MARIE TRY TO SAVE FAULTERING CAREERS BY CASHING IN ON STAR WARS HYSTERIA


YOU KNOW YOU'RE A JEDI REDNECK WHEN…



- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so he didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever eaten Womp Rat gumbo.
- Your front yard is full of droids that don't work.
- You ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with a lightsaber.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
- You ever thought it was ok to make out with you sister because "Luke and Leia did it".


SOCIETY PAGE

ELVIS FETT, AKA WIDOWMAKER PREPARES FOR RETIREMENT
This pic was lost :(

WIDOWMAKER was spotted at the Hall of Fame Bar and Grill telling stories of his conquests and drinking beer as he anticipates his retirement.


TODAY'S ISN BROUGHT TO YOU BY:



BABYLON PARK: Coming soon to a theater near you



THE COLLECTABLE MINBARBI DOLL BY KENNER



Jedi Redneck jokes/ideas courtesy of http://www.hownowcow.com/redneck.htm